I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
