My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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