I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
