the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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