puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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