____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
