i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
