I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
