8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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