I looked at my own cervix.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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