There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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