She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
