I cockslap morals
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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