After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
