that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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