I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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