Farmville is her only friend.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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