I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
