I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
