I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Who died my cat blue again?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
