he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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