I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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