I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.