Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...