So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!