she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day