I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"