Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
