I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
