Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
