she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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