You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You're like the curious george of whores
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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