My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
