My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
