Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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