She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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