I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
