I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
