I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
