This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
organizing the empties. That sober.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Come on in and take your pants off
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