Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
