Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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