I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
