Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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