wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
