I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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