this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
