ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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