what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
