She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
