Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
