im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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