At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
