woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
