Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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