is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
