Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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