We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
