in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
