if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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