I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
