Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
