Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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