I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
